Why He’s Hot:

1. That body. That bo-day. Oh holy fuck on a shit sandwich that body. He’s all tall and lean and thick with just the perfect amount of hair on his chest and that sexy little happy trail begging us all to pants him. That’s what we should do. He’s nice to paparazzi - maybe we should all grab cameras and pretend to be photogs and when he’s off his guard and waves at us one of us runs up and just pulls his shorts down. Who’s down? Anyone? Anyone?
2. He is the boy next door. Your parents would love him immediately. Beware though, your parents have seen his movies and he might cause your dad to discover he’s gay and your mom to turn into a cougar. That’d be awkward.
3. His heart. Sappy yeah, but sexy as all get out too. From planting trees in the forest and protesting for gay rights to hosting adoption drives for homeless animals and fundraising for low income college students, Jake cares about the world and it’s inhabitants. Could you imagine? Watching Jake spend the day playing with animals and then finally bringing an adorable little pup over to you, looking at you with his own big blue puppy dog eyes and asking ‘can we keep him’? You’d melt. Just picturing that in your head made you go ‘awwww’ and orgasm simultaneously.
4. The scruff. No one can rock The Scruff like him. 5 o’ clock shadows are hot on any guy, no matter who it is, but on Jake it personifies rugged charm and makes you want it chaffing the insides of your thighs.
5. I’m sorry, what? Are you seriously looking for another reason why Jake Mother Fucking Gyllenhaal is hot? You’re ridiculous. I refuse to indulge your ridiculousness any longer.